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Russell: the night I copped off with Kate Moss aka Elvis Presley :)

LONDON - This time with Russell there wasn't Noel, but this is all about our "inspiring muse" Kate :). 
Waiting for her autobiography... 
Russell Brand has slept with more than his fair share of women, but few have stirred his emotions as much as the "explosion of perfection" Kate Moss. 
An extract from Russell's new autobiography, Booky Wook 2: This Time It's Personal (to be released on 12 October 2010), the comic reveals how he bedded the supermodel back in 2006.
Russell has cleared everything written in the book with all the famous faces who feature - Jonathan Ross, Noel Gallagher and Morrissey, among others.
His little black book is more like a heavyweight tome, packed with conquests including Page 3 girls, Big Brother contestants, air hostesses and even a "Satanic Slut".
"I was with Kate and Liam (Gallagher) the other day. Kate wants to meet you," Sadie Frost said.
"Oh really, Kate who?" I repeated.
"Kate Moss."
There follows a sort of a silence which I vulgarly interrupt with the sound of my own swallowing, which makes more noise than it usually would. I try and stifle it and just do a normal swallow.
"I'll just do a normal swallow," I think, a quiet unobtrusive swallow. But my body interprets that as 'Hey let's do a ridiculous cartoon parody of a swallow that advertises your huge discomfort with this situation.'
A pornographically inappropriate gulp echoes through my oesophagus.
"Kate Moss? Really?"
"Yeah, yeah, she'd like to meet you. She saw you on Jonathan Ross and thought you were fantastic."
Clearly in this situation I cannot afford to do anything so brazen as be myself, I must quickly construct an edifice of studied coolness, like barely a day passes when my life isn't kicked on its arse by staggering beauty.
I must say something normal and cool. "Oh, right, well I've got a gig on Monday so perhaps she should come."
Heavenly... but Kate Moss met Russell 
in a drab North London pub.
'A goddess'... Russell was infatuated with her
The gig was at The Hen & Chickens on Highbury Corner in Islington, a 50-seater venue above a pub, small and drab, where Edinburgh Fringe shows go to practise, where faded stand-ups go to die.
The idea of Kate Moss turning up there is like attending a church fete in Dorset to find that the raffle winners are being announced by Christ.
When the night comes, I arrive typically late and notice the place seems to have been dusted in majesty.
Glamour. Whatever it is, that unknowable, unnamable quality that these people bestow upon a place or a conversation or a clothing range, was present at The Hen & Chickens.
As I attempt my unflustered entrance, I cannot help but notice the static explosion of her perfection.
A Geiger counter unhelpfully chirps within me as I see her deifying the bar with her elbow from the scorched corner of my reluctant eye.
Beyond the dreams of Pharaohs and Nazis there is an inaccessible gold that shimmers like a halo above Kate Moss.
Is it her hair? Her aura? Her hair's aura? Her aura's hair? I try to drift past her nonchalantly, ignoring my own cacophonous swallows and ticks. A recalcitrant orchestra of discordant twitches.
It's like meeting an angel of my own devising - and perhaps that's all angels ever are.
Maybe celestial beings are only in the heavens because that's where we look for redemption.
Be normal.
"Hello Kate, nice to meet you," I burp. I can make it up with a gesture, I reason to myself.
I try a gentle backhanded greeting, a slow, subtle sweep such as one might make when introducing a new range of lawnmowers in an Argos commercial.
She nods and smiles and seems impressed enough - kindly neither she nor Sadie remark on the gin and tonic I sent hurtling from her hand, so a partial triumph.
"I go to up der stairs now Mate Koss," I suavely announce, then step on a guide dog and make my way cautiously to the tinpot theatre up the rickety staircase.
When we arrive at Sadie's house in Belsize Park - a real-life Stella Street where David Walliams also lives as well as Bob Hoskins and Derek Jacobi - it is decided that Matt Morgan (my BBC Radio 2 co-presenter) should walk Kate into the house so that there is no photo of me and her together.
This gives me hope that we do have something to hide, but also makes me jealous of Matt as he gets to walk up the driveway with her.
Within the beautiful house we flirt for a while, then under some mutual pretence of looking at hung photographs of Sadie's deplorably gorgeous children we wander off. We are alone.
The rest of the evening was like a beautiful road accident. I passed in and out of consciousness, scored by sirens, sporadically lit by flashing blue and red light, time bending. On a sofa in a world made only of Kate Moss's face.
I cannot recall a single word of the conversation that took place; for all I know we communicated in whale song. Drifting closer and closer together, my heart pounding, of course, but also my liver and lungs and feet. Things that don't have pulses join the unwelcome percussion.
Paul Simon thinks my vital organs may be a lost African tribe and considers recording a follow-up to Graceland in my colon.
Eventually there is no more universe between our lips and so we kiss, and yes, on one level I'm enjoying the kiss, but my mind is screaming, screeching, body- popping, lambada-ing, every dance-craze-there's-ever-been-ing.
Playground fads are revisited: Yo-yos, hula hoops, pogs, the works, every exciting moment from childhood condensed into a single kiss. "Kiss properly, stop thinking about pogs, you idiot, get on with this kiss, stop thinking how this is going to sound in a book and get on with the kiss."
So I get on with the kiss, and I think it's a good kiss, but of course there's all this analysis going on simultaneously.
I've got to get her out the house. Ludicrously I say to her: "Do you want to come back to mine... Kate Moss?" We get a minicab - from a number I had in my phone.
Some bloke comes round in a beat-up car that stinks of fags, there's a blanket on the back seat.
Kate Moss gets in, I get in, we sit in the back seat and drive the short journey geographically but a long journey in terms of interior design style and property value from Sadie Frost's in Belsize Park to mine in Gospel Oak - what Matt calls "not quite Hampstead". A garret, digs. Mismatched pans and a duvet that was there when I moved in.
I make her tea. There's a bit where she's in my garden, there's a bit where she's sitting with my cat and he doesn't care that she's all mysterious and wonderful.
I know he's a cat but he should recognise that she has transcended the everyday. To be in her presence in my house doesn't make sense. It is a baffling fusion of the real and the imagined.
It's like looking into the garden and seeing Vegas Elvis mowing the lawn, or going into the kitchen and finding Elvis in the Elvis Comeback Special '68 suit cooking up beans, or going into the bedroom and there's golden jacket Elvis from '54 before he cut his hair, before the army cut off his balls. Elvis, lying on my bed looking into my eyes. Elvis Presley has entered the building. Of course my mind will not shut up and let me enjoy the moment, there is an endless incessant narrative throughout it.
Which is a shame because what I enjoy most about encounters with women is relief from the endless buzzing of needless thought, the neurological chaos, the Tokyo of neurons smashing into each other, the fizz, the buzz, the clatter abating, the hive of my mind quietening, but not that night.
The next day, ludicrously, I had to get up and live my normal life.

Oasis + Kate Moss playing tambourine + Johnny Depp (guitar)
exactly 15 years ago, well on Monday 4 September 1995 at dawn coming back from Japan
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Beady Eye gigography and next tour dates


30 May - Forum, Milan, Italy (the first "Noeless" gig since 1991 when he didn't join Oasis yet)

summer tour without Noel


16 November - Andy Bell unplugged - Debaser, Stockholm, Sweden (bootleg)


3rd & 4th March - Barrowland, Glasgow, Scotland +here and here + bootleg
6th & 7th March - O2 Apollo, Manchester +bootleg 1 +bootleg 2
9th & 10th March - Troxy, London +bootleg 1
13 March - Casino de Paris, Paris, france
14 March - E-Werk, Koln, Germany
16 March - Alcatraz, Milan, Italy +dvd bootleg
18 March - La Riviera, Madrid, Spain +bootleg
19 March - Bikini, Toulouse, france
21 March - Paradiso, Amsterdam, Holland (bootleg)
22 March - Ancienne Belgique, Brussels, Belgium (bootleg)
14 & 15 April - The Olympia Theatre, Dublin, Ireland here a bootleg image
17 April - Ulster Hall, Belfast, Northern Ireland
20 April - O2 Academy, Newcastle (a photo here)
23 April - Centre, Newport (photo and bootleg)
30 May - Grosse Freiheit 36, Hamburg, Germany
+a photo here + win tickets here
8 June - Saschall, Firenze, Italy +my story here +bootleg here +win tickets here
11th June - Papillons de Nuit Festival, Saint Lo, france
12 June - Isle of Wight festival +story here and here +interview here +videos here +interview and bootleg here
25th June - Theater of Living Art, Philadelphia, U.S.A.
30 June - Rock Werchter, Belgium (bootleg)
1 July - Main Square Festival, Arras, france +a photo here
7 July - BBK Live Festival, Bilbao, Spain
9 July - Oxegen Festival, Naas, Ireland
26 August - Reading Festival (win tickets) +videos here +review&video here +bootleg here
3 September - AX Hall, Seoul, South Korea
14 September - Twinkle Rock Festival, Taipei, Taiwan
7 October - Atlantico, Rome, Italy +main bootleg here +another bootleg here
+win the concert here
11 October - Volkshaus, Zurich, Switzerland (postponed)
13 October - Gasometer, Vienna, Austria (postponed)
31 October - Theater Caupolican, Santiago, Chile
2 November - Teatro de Verano Ramon Collazo, Montevideo, Uruguay
3 November - Teatro Colegiales, Buenos Aires, Argentina
4 November - Personal Festival, Buenos Aires, Argentina
5 November - Planeta Terra festival, Sao Paulo, Brazil
12 November - O2 Academy, Sheffield
14 November - O2 Academy, Birmingham
17 November - O2 Academy Brixton, London
2 December - The Warfield, San Francisco, U.S.A.
3 December - Wiltern Theatre, Los Angeles, U.S.A. +another complete review here +win tickets here and here
5 December - First Avenue, Minneapolis, U.S.A.
6 December - The Rave Ballroon, Milwaukee, U.S.A.
9 December - Terminal 5, New York, U.S.A.
10 December - House of Blues, Boston, U.S.A.


new tour


3 June - Abbey Road, London (acoustic) +bootleg here
7 June - McClusky's, Kingston (album launch acoustic gig)

8 November - Olympia Theatre, Dublin, Ireland


Noel Gallagher solo gigography, and Low Lying Turds tour dates

(although his blinded fans say he's a "new solo artist", it's 20 years he's around and already played "solo" gigs previously (the first one in 1994), with the help of other people of course, as the Unplugged 1996, the gig for Tibet, the tour in 2006-2007, London, Milan, Manchester, Moscow, Los Angeles, Toronto, Paris, Australia, etc.)


25 March - Royal Albert Hall - London


28 November - Alcatraz - Milan, Italy + review here +video bootleg here +audio and video bootleg here


lost interest... even Noel got bored of himself

10 April - Auditorio Banamex - Monterrey, Mexico (cancelled)



fans leave the gig again and ask for Liam again
..... € 10 = £ 8

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